Wednesday, March 16, 2016

"Why Are You So Quiet?" - My Introverted Life

You can find this background here:!

    Ever since I came upon the words of "introvert" and "extrovert" and learned what they were about, I've personally identified myself as an introvert.  Since then I've recently learned of the term "ambivert."  Now I feel like my personality is mostly that of an introvert with some characteristics of an ambivert.  If you don't know what any of these are, an introvert is a person that's usually considered shy and tend to keep to themselves or to small groups of people while avoiding large groups.  An extrovert is more outgoing and social (the total opposite of an introvert), and an ambivert is balanced between the two.
    So as an introvert I can be pretty shy for the most part, especially around people I don't know very well or that I am not around on a pretty regular basis.  That means that I don't really talk often while out in public, unless I'm around people I know and that I'm comfortable with.  Which also means that my overall social and communication skills may not be the absolute greatest all the time, or at least not as proficient as an extroverted person.  Other reasons I may tend to be quiet around others include not feeling like I have anything to contribute to conversations, to avoid awkward moments like stumbling over my words or practically sticking my foot in my mouth, just feeling like listening rather than speaking, to avoid conflict with others, etc.  But in the past several years or so, I've been trying to speak up and for myself more and more, little by little.  I'm still not the greatest at communicating my thoughts and problems most effectively, but I think I'm getting there for the most part.  I've also been trying to start conversations more and more, little by little.  
    Last night I was getting ready to go to bed and thought about my personal experiences with keeping to myself and with actively speaking up, and I've realized something rather frustrating...  During the times when I was quite for the most part, it would come off as odd to some people.  Not necessarily disturbing or irritating, but rather my chosen silence was not what they normally expected.  It was like something that people were just not used to.  I would be asked, "Why are you so quiet?  You're so quiet!" or I would be told, "You should talk more often!"  I never really know what to say to these kinds of remarks.  I would just usually reply with a small joke, or shrug and apologize.  To be honest, sometimes I really don't know why I'm so quiet, I guess I just naturally am.  These remarks never really bothered me, but they did make me smile sometimes.  But during the times when I would try to speak more often, I would at times not be greeted with such positive reactions as I did when I would be silent. Its not like I'm spouting things that are super offensive or serious.  It's more like my voice is insignificant or just some kind of annoyance to them.  Albeit, this reaction doesn't happen ALL the time, but it's just enough to leave me confused and that the best idea may just be stay silent.  And then, eventually, it would happen again.

"Oh, why are you so quiet again?"
My reply, as I shrug, "I don't know."
And all the while, I'm thinking to myself, 
Because I think that speaking is a pointless thing for me to do now.

    Again, this wouldn't happen ALL the time, but it happens enough.
    There was this one time I was in a car with someone, someone with whom I am no longer on very good terms.  Before this point this person would encourage me to talk, to make conversations more often with them, that they wanted to hear what I had to say.  Or so they claimed.  There were times when I had nothing to talk about in particular, but thoughts would run through my mind.  Half of the time these thoughts would be completely random.  I would sometimes use some of these thoughts as conversation starters.  And this time in the car, when our casual chatting hit a stand still and silence came between us, one of these thoughts came to mind.  Actually, this thought came in a form of a question.  For the life of me, I can remember what the question was exactly, but I do know that it was an "I wonder" kind of question.  So I asked, "I wonder if... yada yada yada?"  It wasn't a question I was super serious about, so if I received a simple "I don't know," I would have been perfectly content with that reply.  At least I had tried to fill the silence and made an attempt at chit-chat.  But instead I got, "Look it up on Google when you get home."  I replied with a simple, "Oh," feeling disappointed, and this person continued on with, "If you really want to know, you'd look it up."  This person also mentioned how they found it annoying when people asked questions that they could very well easily answer themselves by looking it up if they really wanted to know.
    I'm in the passenger seat, trying my best to engage in conversation, and this person seemingly ignores my efforts and basically puts me down over asking a question.  And this was a person who wondered why I was quiet all the time and wonder why I didn't talk a lot.  I kinda want to tell them, "How about you Google the answer to that query when you get on the computer later."  The funny thing is, once I hit "Publish" on this blog post they can... that is if they still really wanted to know...
    Add this person, as well as anyone else like them, to the list of reasons why I don't talk much.  Because why waste my time with this kind of nonsense?  Why encourage me to speak, and then disregard me when I finally do?  I'm not insulting you.  I'm not unnecessarily challenging your beliefs or questioning your morals and values for the sake of conflict or "debate."  I'm not trying to purposely stir up drama because I'm bored.  I'm not trying to mess you up psychologically by trying to tear apart your very psyche.  This question wasn't meant to guilt-trip or anything.  It wasn't one of those kinds of questions.  If this person didn't want to talk, then they could have just politely said so.  "I'm sorry, but I really don't feel like talking right now."  That's fine with me!  I'm practically an expert at that!  But please, PLEASE don't make social interactions any harder than they already are sometimes.  Being an individual with an introverted personality can be difficult enough as it is without any "assistance."
    While I accept my introversion for the most part, I do sometimes find social life to be quite frustrating.  And that's why I'm so quiet.  But I'm trying to do better at a lot of things (communicating, expressing myself, etc.) and those are some of the reasons why I have this blog.  I hope this was, in some way, helpful to you as it was therapeutic for me.

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Valentine's Day 2015

    Valentine's Day this year was interesting.  It wasn't a bad day, it was basically a pretty good day like any other.  But instead of it having your everyday typical lovey-dovey couple-y theme/feelings like one would usually expect, it was everything that didn't go along with such typical Valentine things.  Again, this wasn't bad, just odd and different.
    It landed on a Sunday this year, so it started off like any other Sunday with a trip to church with my mom.  Like a trooper, I wore a red dress and a multi-colored heart necklace, a perfect and festive outfit for the day.  My mom wore red as well.  We made it to church and went our separate ways into our Sunday School classes, she into her older couples class and I into my young adult class that consisted of couples, singles, and divorcees.  It had been a while since all the lesson books for all the differing classes had coinciding lessons.  (For example, this past Sunday my parents' class did a lesson on Jonah and the Whale and my class did a lesson in Matthew.)  The lessons and lesson plans for all the classes hadn't match up for a while.  I don't know why or when it happened, but I only brought it up to point out that Mom and I didn't know what each other's lessons were going to be and I had forgotten to check it out the night before.  I made it to my class on time, sat down, and opened up the lesson book to the day's lesson.  This is when the day started to deviate from your typical Valentine's Day atmosphere.  The lesson was on divorce.  Not really a typical topic for some to discuss on Valentine's Day, is it?  I was a bit perplexed by it at first.  Like, who in the layout/editing/writing department in charge of making this came up with this brilliant idea??  But by the time the lesson was over, I was left thinking that talking about divorce on Valentine's Day was actually a pretty good idea.  Divorce can sometimes come unexpectedly and it can also come at a bad time in life, so having a lesson on divorce on Valentine's Day actually made sense in that respect.  Also, and this is important to note, the lesson was tastefully done.  The people in that class that had experienced divorce in one way or the other came out of it feeling good and were not offended.  Everybody was nice, considerate, and understanding of everything that revolved around this topic.  All was well!  
    So mom and I had to miss church service and head back home to eat lunch and get ready for the next not-so-Valentine's-Day-thing that we had to go to, a baby shower.  Yep, got invited to a baby shower on Valentine's Day.  Kind of an odd day to have it on, but apparently with the parents scheduling and medical/baby/health concerns, this was the best time to have it.  I'm totally fine with that!  It was held at church at around 2:00 pm, well after the morning service and well before the evening service. I didn't know the couple that well.  I knew the grandparents and the parents of the baby pretty well, and I knew the cousins of the father pretty well too.  The father, I've only seen a handful of times and the mother I didn't know at all.  But that's fine.  It's for a baby for crying out loud!  And I actually like going to things like baby showers!  I like seeing what all the baby is getting, I like seeing how it's decorated, I even like the food and enjoy playing the games!  Sometimes I feel like I'm experiencing Pinterest in real life, and I absolutely love Pinterest!  Observing how special occasions are approached by others really appeals to my creative side.  I already had a car shade that that I was saving for the next time I'd go to a baby shower and a bath-time kids' book that I had that I was planning to give to another child (but unfortunate circumstances changed that plan).  Having those items on hand really worked out and I didn't have to go shopping!  Woohoo!  I did have to go shopping for appropriate wrapping paper earlier that week, but that was all the inconvenience I had to deal with.  And again, everything went well!  The parents seemed to be appreciative of the presents I got for the baby and it was a fun experience.  And I kept my attire for it Valentine-ish by wearing a pinkish, red-violet sweater and silver-colored Strawberry earrings.
   The last thing that was totally un-Valentine's related was at the end of the day...  The Walking Dead came back, heck yeah buddy!  I won't spoil it for anyone that hasn't seen that particular episode yet, but I will say that it was a great episode.  I watched it with my dad, like we always do, and watched Talking Dead right after.
    Nothing like Splitsville, babies, and zombies to get you in the Valentine's Day mood, am I right?  It probably turned out to be one of the better Valentine's Days I've ever had to be honest!  Quite frankly, I thought I was going to be on the sad/moody/angst-y vibe, but I'm quite happy that that wasn't the case.  I hope everyone had had a good day that day too, whether you're with someone special or not!  And if it wasn't for whatever reason, I hope that it is better for you next year!

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

STORY TIME! The Time I Found Something in My Bed...

    Lately, I've been watching a lot of these "Story Time" videos on YouTube and I found the concept to be different (at least for YouTube) as well as entertaining.  So I thought to myself, why not do that right here on my blog?  :D
    So this happened around the last part of high school, about 2001-2003 I would say.  I've had this habit for a long time of staying up late, past when my parents go to bed and past when I probably should go to bed... Yep... And this particular night was no exception.  I'm staying up late, chatting with friends online and watching Flash animated cartoons (I think I was really big into Homestar Runner at the time), then it gets to a point when I'm ready to go to bed.  My parents have already gone to bed hours ago, so it's just me up and about.  I go my room and proceed to get ready for bed; brush my teeth, changed into some pjs, my usual bedtime routine.  I go to my bed to get in, my sheets already pulled back some from the way it was made, and I noticed this pretty large blue mass right on top of the exposed sheets.  It was about the size of a half-dollar or a cap off of a bottle of prescription meds.  I took a bit of a closer look and it looked like a large piece of dark blue, fuzzy, lint from the laundry at first.  How did this get here?  How did I not notice it before when the sheets got put on the bed?  But something was a bit off about it...  I went in for a closer look and I realized that the piece of what I thought was lint had shape to it.  What is this??  I suddenly recognize the shape and I realize what is in my bed, sitting on my exposed, CLEAN sheets...  It was a dried up, mummified, DEAD FROG.  ...  I was speechless and I was shocked and I was absolutely disgusted.  How the heck did this thing get on my bed???
    To this day, I can only come up with one conclusion that's somewhat logical.  There is an air vent that's directly above my bed.  What I think might have happened, and others that I've told this story to before also believes this is the case, is that somehow this frog found it's way into the vents and died.  Whether or not it went there purposefully to die or if it went in there to hide or out of curiosity and just happened got lost or trapped and then died, I will never know.  But it somehow got into the vent, died, mummified and collected lint, and then eventually blew out of the vent and wound up on my bed.
    I ended up having to wake up my parents (1.) to remove the frog because I'm a wuss and I didn't really know how go about getting rid of the thing, and (2.) I wanted to put clean sheets on the bed and I didn't know where my mom kept them.  Overall it was a horrible, gross, and downright strange and random experience.  And looking back on it now, it's a pretty funny story.  One to tell to multiple people for multiple years to come!
    That was probably the strangest, most disgusting thing I've ever found in my bed thus far in my life.  So what's the strangest thing you've ever found in your bed?  Let me know in the comments below!  I'd love to hear what you've got!  :D  

A bit of happy imagery to hopefully replace what is probably stuck in your mind now.  :)
You can find this pattern of mine here:

Sunday, January 31, 2016


    There's a site that I've gotten back into again recently.  It's a website that's wonderfully devoted to color, palettes, templates, and patterns.  It's a place that's frequented by wonderful people who love color, creativity, and beautiful things.  This website is called
    I was introduced to this site in 2012 by a co-worker who was going to school to become a graphic artist.  It turned out to be a great help at the time, as I sometimes needed to create specific patterns for specific projects when I couldn't find any pre-made backgrounds that would work otherwise.  I used it for work, for personal projects, and for fun.  It became super handy and it still is to this day.
    COLOURlovers had it's own in-site program, called Seamless Lite, that I would use to make my pattern templates.  It was a simple program that offered an enjoyable challenge because of it's simplicity.  I could only do so much with it and indulged my creativity as much as I could.  I became so invested in what I was doing and was desiring to created better templates like I noticed some others were doing on the site. I decided to try out their downloadable, pattern-making program, Seamless Studio and tried it for the 15 day trial.  Before the trial was up, I was sold and decided to purchase the program only to find out that they didn't sell it anymore.  You could download it, use it for 15 days, and that was it.  For whatever reason, COLOURlovers had quit selling the key codes, yet the links for downloading the program still worked.  I was very disappointed and frustrated.  Luckily, a fellow colourlover found out about my troubles and gave me their key code, which I've held onto.  I love my Seamless Studio program and use it for all my pattern making needs.  And I make even better pattern templates now than I had before when I only had Seamless Lite at my disposal.
    I was using the program often, for long periods at a time I would use it almost everyday.  Then life happened, and I wasn't able to use it for a while.  But now I'm back on it making patterns like I used to do!  I was even creating one the other day when I realized that I ought to make a blog post about it.  After all, this is The Live Diary of a CREATIVE Introvert, and I should post creative things on here every once in a while, shouldn't I?  Yes, indeed, I should!  And I should post samples of my work, too!

These first three are some that I've created using COLOURlovers in-site program, Seamless Lite:

Find it here:
Find it here: 
Find it here:! 

And before I continue, yes my username on COLOURlovers is "balboababe."  It's an old one that I came up with back in high school and have used it for the longest.  And, no, it doesn't have anything to do with the Rocky movies nor Regina Spektor.  Anywho!  These next three are patterns that I've created using the Seamless Studio program:

Find it here: 
Find it here:!_Splatter!
Also, on a side note, I made a dark gray scale version of this pattern to use as a tiled background to this blog!
Find it here: 

    As I have said before, I really love this site and this program, and the users on there are wonderful people as well.  You couldn't ask for a better group of folks!  Recently it's been getting a lot of spammers trying to push various movies and books, but nothing that can't be ignored.  I still highly recommend going there and trying it out for yourself if you're into creating and love color.  It's a great for a hobby, if nothing else.  You can also get your creations in the form of artwork or fabric, not for free obviously.  But I've thought about doing that and trying to sell fabrics with my patterns on them to try to make a little money on the side. (If I were to do that, would you or anyone you know be interested in purchasing one of my patterns in the form of some fabric?)  Anyway, you can look me up and follow me if you like!  Visit, and try it out.  :)

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Pop or Bust

   So there are things that I like and things that I don't like.  The reasoning behind why I do and don't like something varies.  This is pretty much the norm for everyone.  However I feel like I'm different when it comes to American pop culture, or the things the vast majority of Americans tend to like.  My overall feelings towards things that are popular in America tend to generally linger between indifference and slight annoyance.  For the most part, anyway.  Sometimes there are those things that are "pop" that catch my interest or could possibly be genuinely like-able. But it depends on how it's presented to me.
    If one or two people came to me and learned that I had not seen a particular movie or listened to a particular music artist and they responded with, "Oh, I didn't know that.  It's really good!  If you want I can let you borrow my copy" or the kind of response with a gasp followed by, "Oh, well, we should see it/listen to it sometime.  I think you would really like it."  More than likely, I'll be down with it.  Especially if it does sound like something I might enjoy.  It's also great in situations where I say do say no, that that "no, thank you" is respected and the subject dropped.
    However... if presented to me in such a way where I feel like it's being forced upon me, or where I feel like an outcast because I don't want to see it or listen to it, or if people question what's wrong with me because I never have had an intense need to experience it before - then I'm not going to watch it or listen to it.  Nor will I really want to give it a chance.  No.  
    The over-zealousness that people have for various pop music, movies, and tv can really ruin it for me.  It can annoy me to no end and it makes me NOT want to get involved in whatever they are into.  Also, I like to be able to be able judge things for myself.  If the mass majority of people like something, it may or may not actually be all that good.  I've had experiences go either way. 
    For example, the newest Star Wars movie.  I've heard it was good, but because sooo many people have gone out and posted about it on Facebook and sooo many people have begged or demanded of others not to spoil it and there were sooo many people going on and on about it - even if they didn't go and see it yet - it all burnt me out about the movie.  Maybe further on down the line I might see it.  Rent the DVD or wait until it's playing on TV.  Otherwise, no, I'm not going to see it.  The movie itself doesn't annoy me, it's because people make such a big deal about it that ruins it.
    Frozen is another example.  And before you ask, yes, I have seen it.  It's okay.  It's like-able.  The ending is different, and that I appreciated.  And the animation is good - the style and movement of the characters and the special effects - it's all really nicely done.  But how long has it been out?  About three years, I think?  Three YEARS and it's still EVERYWHERE.  People are STILL talking about how different and profound it is and it's somehow changing lives... somehow...  Are we still talking about a Disney flick or Jesus?  For some to love the film so much you'd think they'd take the most popular song out of that movie's advice and just let it go.  Or rather... Let it die, let it die, oh why won't they just let it DIE?!  And yet another movie ruined and I do not want to see it again EVER.
    The Princess Bride is another one for me that has been ruined because its been made such a big deal over.  However it's just on a much smaller scale.  The first time I'd seen it, I watched it with a group of people, most of whom seemed completely enthralled with it.  After talking over what movie to see, they began reminiscing this apparent childhood/family classic of theirs:

"Christie, have you ever seen The Princess Bride?"
"Um, no.  I don't think I've ever heard of it."
"What?!?!"  "You've never heard of it?"
"You HAVE to see it!"  "It's really good."
Me already be skeptical of that opinion because the movie title had the word "princess" in it, I asked, "What's it about?"
They proceed to tell me, however the description of it didn't make me want to see it more.
"Doesn't it sound good?"

"It sounds kinda sappy to me..."
"Well, we're going to watch it anyway."  "You'll like it!  It's good!"
"Um, O-okay..."

Those may not be the exact quotes, mind you.  But it's close enough to where you can get a feel for everything that was going on.  We then proceed to watch The Princess Bride, which they had seen hundreds of times and this being my first time to have seen it - ever.  And on and off throughout it's duration, I keep hearing people interrupt and quote along with the darn thing.  They wanted me to watch this movie with them, and now they're doing this.  I can understand laughing, I can understand an occasion comment about what's going on in the movie - but quoting along??  Did they want me to enjoy the movie with them or did they want me to enjoy watching THEM watch the movie?  Not only was I having a hard time trying to watch a movie I had not seen before (that I also wasn't really in the mood to watching to begin with), but I also having a difficult time trying to enjoy it because it kept being interrupted.  It also made me feel really excluded from the group.  I couldn't appreciate it on the same level that they did.  I probably would have enjoyed it more if it wasn't for all of that.  But would could I do or say?  It was all of them against just me.  We watched it one other time, there were less interruptions and the experience was better, but it still wasn't all that enjoyable.  Would I watch it again by myself?  No.  Besides there's a lot of negative feelings associated with that movie for me now.  I don't want to be reminded if I can help it.
  There are other examples I could list, but it's getting late and I'd would like to wrap this up.  Haha!  I don't know, people just tend to ruin things for me, and I try my best not to be that way towards anyone either.  Because I don't want to ruin anyone else's experience.  But if 200 other people and sites are already posting about how great something or someone is, is it really necessary for one more person to add their own two cents?  Especially if what they have to say is EXACTLY what everyone else has already said?  And do they have to post about it more than once?  And do they have to get all judgmental and pushy when they realize that you may not like what they like?  Does this mean I'm a closeted hipster or am I being rebellious by going against the majority?  Or am I just tired of hearing about it and am ready for it to be over already?

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

The Things I Miss

    Well, it's been a while.  A very long while since I've last written.  But I felt a need to write another post.  Soon Christmas will come and go, and another year will end.  With a little hope in our hearts we wish for the next year to be better, or at least just as good as the previous one.  Just as this year ends, so do all other things eventually, both good and bad.  When things end, we're sometimes left missing some things.  Recently I've come to realize that I've been looking back and felt the slight pang of fond nostalgia or of sadness more often than usual.  I try to guard myself when this happens as I do not want to "set up camp" in my past and stay for an unhealthy period of time.  No, I've seen what happens to those who set up camp in their pasts and never seem to move on.  It affects not only themselves, but it effects their relationships in very negative ways.  With my personal experience around those who seem to forever dwell in their emotional campsites, I try my absolute best not to get dragged into their tents or set up my own camp.  You have no idea how much I try to prevent myself from becoming that type of person.  Because I know how much it hurts.  It hurts SO much.  I don't want anyone else to get hurt by me in that manner, especially those I care about the most.  Knowing that absolute avoidance of my past is also quite unhealthy, I keep my visits short and try to focus on the positives.  I also can't help but to miss things and people.
    So I decided to write a list of all that I miss.  I know it sounds strange, but the idea struck me as sounding like it might be therapeutic in a way.  Some of the things I miss are silly and I don't think of them often.  But some things are heartbreaking, and then there are those things that are in between.  I won't be listing everything.  It would be impossible, plus I know I'm going to forget some things.  Some things are old and some things are new.  And it's in no particular order.  So, without further ado, here is my list:

I miss the friends I had when I lived in Texas.  I still have friends in Texas, but I miss the ones I had at school, at church, and the ones I made at camp that I lost contact with.

I miss field trips.  I guess I miss the idea of traveling with a group of people who were not family and seeing cool stuff.

I miss Slurpees.  There are no 7-Elevens in Arkansas (not that I'm aware of anyway), so whenever I'm out of the state and happen upon one, I take FULL advantage.

I miss riding my bike.  I used to ride my bike A LOT and would ride with my parents to various places.

I miss bus rides.

I miss visiting planetariums.

I miss appreciating and enjoying science.  Well, I still do, but nowhere near as much as I used to. Ever since people have started making SUCH A BIG DEAL over it to the point of where it basically feels like people are worshiping and referring to the subject as if it itself were a sentient being, it almost killed it for me.  It's a subject, not a deity.  Science is not sentient nor is it able to care about you.  I also feel like people try to use it as a weapon against others in an attempt to shame or make another person feel inferior.  It's no different than someone using physical strength to make another person feel weak.  It's bullying and victimization.  Both usages of science is wrong.

I miss being able to express my creative side as often as I used to.

I miss exploring.  More specifically out in nature.

I miss Pepsi Blue.

I miss my first parakeet, Shirley.

I miss my second parakeet, Pixie (aka "Picky").

I miss hanging out with my friends as often as I used to.

I miss going on walks with my mom.

I miss going to parks and playing on playgrounds.

I miss going to various restaurants.  Grandy's, Burger Street, and that Chinese restaurant I used to just get eggrolls at when I was an extremely pick child just to name a few.

I miss some of my favorite TV shows.  I'm stoked that X-Files is coming back, even if it is for just a short while.

I miss feeling loved.

I miss being young.

I miss taking classes, sometimes.  Only the ones I really enjoyed taking though.

I miss routine.

I miss looking forward to my future.

I miss volunteering and helping out during VBS.

I miss packing a shoebox every year for OCC and seeing how much I can cram into it.

I miss game night.

I miss movie night.

I miss game & movie night - with finger foods or pizza!

I actually kinda miss being somewhat social.

I miss not feeling as lonely as I have been feeling on and off for a long time now.

I miss believing that I was going to get what was promised to me.

I miss believing in promises.

I miss love.  

I miss being able to trust certain people.

I miss being able to love without getting hurt or pushed away.

I miss not having to HAVE TO push back.

I miss feeling content.

I miss being able to read people.  To be able to understand others fairly quick.

I miss volunteering at the animal shelter, even if I was allergic to cats.

I miss feeling emotionally safe.

I miss cuddling.

I miss holding hands.

I miss being respected.

I miss believing that my feelings would be considered.

I miss believing that people knew what they wanted.

I miss having my beliefs and opinions respected.

I miss not having beliefs and opinions that I don't agree with being shoved down my throat.  You want me to respect and accept you?  Then don't do that.

I miss the days when equality actually meant equality and not some weird pseudo or faux thing disguised as "equality."

I miss believing that people mean what they say.  If you like me, prove it.  Respect me?  Prove it.  Love me?  Prove it.  Hate me?  Then walk away and carry on with yourself.  Actions speak louder than words.

I miss not having words put in my mouth.

I miss being encouraged.

I miss being comforted.

I miss being able to move on and make some progress in my life.

I miss the days when being afraid wasn't something to be hated or judged.

I miss really GOOD sci-fi movies and tv shows.

I miss really GOOD horror movies and tv shows.

I miss Korean food.

I miss being in a drama-free environment.

I miss being around those who were more tactful and aware of their timing.  Or at least attempted to care when they want to cause problems.  For example, the folks that wanna start things during the Holiday Season.  Look, people are just trying to get through this, figure out what to get for their loved ones, and try to have a good time.  Can it not WAIT until AFTER the Holidays at the very least?  It's rude, it's tacky, it's inconsiderate, and if you know better - then why are you doing it?

I miss peace.

I miss things going smoothly.

I miss the times when things felt as though they would work out.

I miss feeling secure.

I miss not being expected to read minds.

I miss feeling settled.

I miss being taken seriously.

I miss having my needs and wants in life be taken seriously.

I miss having my feelings acknowledged and understood and considered.

I miss not being compared to other people.

I miss believing that I was accepted and loved.

I miss not having someone try to change me into something else without my permission, my consent, my knowledge.

I miss being able to talk to just about anyone about my problems.

I miss being able to take my time.  To not be rushed or pushed into things too soon.

I miss feeling like I had someone to walk me through things.

I miss feeling like the people who are closest to me took things as seriously as I did.

I miss not feeling like I'm being used as a tool to one up someone else.

I miss not feeling like I'm being used to play catch-up with everyone else.

I miss not feeling like I'm being blamed because someone hasn't caught up yet.  I haven't caught up because I tried to be careful and do things right and I'm alright with that.  It's not my fault if someone else has been reckless, not having learned, and are left feeling discontent with themselves for wasting their own time with those who were also reckless.

I miss not being able to have to explain or argue the validation of my hurt feelings.

I miss expecting understanding and receiving it.

I miss not crying most days.

I miss hoping that things will get better.

I miss being able to know what to do.  

These are some of the things I'm missing these days...

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

It's Finally Time...

     As I begin writing this... I'm in tears.  My face is sticky with the tears that have already dried and it is sore.  This is from a certain emotional pain that has reoccurred and reared it's ugly head on occasion.  And then I realized that it's time to open up.  I finally feel comfortable and confident enough to speak about what has been bothering me for almost a year.  I'll just give you the long story as I do not believe cutting to the chase would effectively express where I'm coming from.  And I absolutely do NOT want to come off as tactless, biased, and an overall horrible person.  I simply just want to be understood and maybe, finally, be able to get some sort of relief out of the process... 
    While I was still dating my husband I began to meet more and more relatives the more serious our relationship became.  Just when I thought I had met everyone, here's some more family!  It was pretty funny from my perspective coming from a small family of three and who's relatives were scattered among the country and were either rarely or never seen.  But it was great too!  I had hoped to meet someone special that came from a large, close-knit family.  If I were to have kids, I wanted them to be able to have loving aunts and uncles and grandparents that were still able to be quite active with them.  My kids wouldn't get any aunts and uncles from my side and my parents may not be quite as spry when they do finally come into the picture.
    I had just about met everyone (or at least at the time I thought I did), except for his younger sister and her family.  ...And they were fixing to move to the States from Scotland.  So with my inexperience of being in "meeting the family" situations, the only other place I could look back on in order to prepare myself was from TV shows and movies.  In a lot of those fictional scenarios, the mother was the usually the one who was difficult to get approval from.  And if the man had a sister... she was usually a tough nut to crack too.  Oh gosh!  I had thankfully gotten approvals from both my future-husband's mom and step mom, but now I had to face... the sister. *Cue dramatic music here.*  Would she like me?  Would she hate me?  Would she be difficult to get along with?  Would this be the toughest challenge I ever had to face in my relationship with my love?  Would this be the end all, say all?  I was nervous.
    So finally the day came to meet "the sister," and I was still nervous.  My boyfriend-at-the-time husband told me not to worry and that everything would be fine as we drove up to his mom's house.  Admittedly, that was much easier said than done, but I went on with a semi-determined, no-turning-back attitude.  Here goes nothing!
    We entered the family-filled home and began to greet everyone.  I immediately noticed his sister sitting on the couch with her baby boy in her arms.  A grand idea instantly popped into my head, I'll take the initiative and go over to greet myself so she won't have to get up.  It will be a nice and polite gesture that can't possibly go wrong!  I went over with new-found determination and confidence, extended my hand in friendly greeting and said, "Hi, my name is Christie.  It's nice to meet you!"  ...And that's when I realized that I had unintentionally caught her in the middle of breast feeding her baby...


Okay, keep calm, keep your hand out...
Pretend that you either still don't notice or that it doesn't bother you...
Ignore the fact that this is one of the most awkward things you've ever done...
For the all love and good that is in existence, MAINTAIN EYE CONTACT...
Do not look, do not glance, do not stare, MAINTAIN EYE CONTACT...
Keep smiling, but don't smile too much!  
Act natural and act NORMAL!
You don't want to make things more awkward than you already have!

    Luckily, she was nice about the whole thing and it was obvious that she didn't think I was a complete weirdo.  The day went on and I got to know her a little better.  And the more I got to know her as time went on, the more I though how cool she was as a person.  Our political opinions seemed to differ, but that didn't bother me.  I have a best friend who's political opinions differ from mine and we are on really good terms with one another and have expressed our understandings about each others opinions.  In fact, my husband's sister at the time reminded me a lot of her in some ways.  There were other things I noticed about her that spoke of qualities that I like in people.  She had piercings, not just in her ears, but she had one in her nose too.  To me, that spoke of how brave she seemed to be of some of the little things that I was afraid of, like my fear of needles and pain.  She had tattoos in Arabic calligraphy that spoke of her interest in other cultures.  She been to all sorts of places around the world.  I love to travel, but some of the places she had been to are some that I'll probably never get to see.  And she liked to colored her hair, sometimes a "natural" color and sometimes not so much.  I just wish I could streak my hair some crazy color!  I know she's a stay-at-home mom, but I still thought it was cool that she could get away with it.  I, however, have a job and they may not like it so much if I came in with blue, purple, or green streaks in my hair.  And for her to have tats, unorthodox piercings, dyed hair, AND be a Christian... That was amazing to me!  
    I absolutely LOVE stereotype breakers, no matter who they were, whether it be gender-based, race-based, faith-based, etc.  I love it when people prove these idiotic, judgmental, hurtful, hate-based and ignorance-based stereotypes WRONG.  I - LOVE - IT!  And to see some Christians do it is simply inspirational.  I feel like those are the people that truly understand God's love.  It's not about how you look on the inside, it's about what's on the inside.  How you treat others and your actions overall.  I could go on and on about this, but perhaps I'll save it for another time.
    Not only did she break negative Christian stereotypes, but she broke negative stay-at-home mom stereotypes simultaneously by doing practically the same things!  I totally want to be the cool mom when I have kids too!  I don't want to be a boring and ho-hum mother that hardly encourages their kids or even discourages them.  And I also don't want to be the crazy mom that pushes her kids into things that they don't want to do or into too many things and raise the expectation bar so high that they couldn't possibly be able to reach it realistically.  His sister seemed to have found a healthy middle ground with her kids for the most part.
   She was really cool and she was really nice enough to organize and set up one of my bridal showers, offer to host a bachelorette party (which I politely declined... I really didn't want a penis cake... eww), and she filled in as a bridesmaid when my other bridesmaid broke her foot near to the last minute.  I really liked her and was actually starting to look up to her.  And I really appreciated her for all she did for me - and still do to this day.
    My husband and I got married on March 1, 2014 and afterwards things were going well in our new marriage... and then a minor problem arose.  A problem that I'm still not comfortable talking about here online and so openly.  A problem that I honestly didn't think was going to happen.  My thoughtful husband got me books, tools, and resources to try to help and it kinda did... but I was still lacking certain details.  What do I need to look out for?  What should I expect?  And there were other questions that needed to be answered.  I sought out information online, but didn't really come up with any satisfactory answers.  It came to the point where I felt like I needed to ask someone close to me for some answers and reassurance that I'll be okay.  I tried going to my mom for help and ended up with an awkward response that didn't help and a change of subject.  I thought about going to his mom, and although I knew she would be much more help than my mom was, I was still afraid it would be incredibly awkward.  Then my husband suggested that I ought to go talk to his sister.  Well, that could work... She does seem pretty open about things.  But then again I was pretty awkward when we first met... Would she be okay if I approached her with more awkwardness, especially of a personal nature of this caliber?  I drug my feet about it for the longest and continued to try to figure things out on my own.  
    Three months into our marriage and getting nothing but very little success and progress, I had enough.  I needed to get over this and needed some advice from somebody.  I decided that I was going to go speak with my sister-in-law.  Around the time that I had decided upon this and was trying to figure out how best to approach her...  That's when it happened...  She had announced on Facebook that she had completely lost faith in God and that she and her husband were now atheists.  ...Well, nevermind then... there went my chance for help...  At that point I could not trust her with anything so personal and so sensitive of a topic to me.  I worried that if I did, she would see it as nothing more than "evidence" that Christianity was to blame not believe or hear the real reasons I was having trouble, as she seemed to be in the on and off process of blaming Christianity for all her problems.  I wasn't about to risk letting her take it out on me, as I had enough of my own problems to deal with already.  I also spoke with my husband about my concerns and he agreed that I had made the right decision not to go to her.
    At first it just irritated me.  I ended up not getting any help at all.  But whatever, she's clearly got worse problems than I do that she needs to figure out for herself.  I'll just try to figure things out on my own... like I've been doing... and failing...  But the more I thought about it, the more hurt I became.  I had looked up to her.  I had wanted her help.  And I just felt so... abandoned.  Someone who I had once thought of as this super awesomely real individual wasn't who I thought they were.  As an introverted individual who has a hard time making friends and has an even harder time finding really good friends, finding someone with the potential of being another best friend is an extremely rare event for me.  Where some brides are able to have 5 or more bridesmaids for their weddings quite easily, I was barely able to come up with two for mine.  And as much as I like being the type whose interested in the things that aren't necessarily always going to be popular with everybody else because it helps me to feel unique and different from from the rest, it also sucks because it sometimes leaves me feeling lonely.  Is there anyone else out there like me?  I have always felt like very few people really understood me and respected me for who I was, and that too is a very lonely feeling.

    Not only was I experiencing married life for the first time that was still giving me the nervous jitters, had moved to a completely new location which gave me a bit of a sense of isolation, had a personal issue that had left me feeling uncertain of my future with my husband, I now had a brand new batch of negative emotions to deal with: abandonment, loneliness, and distrust.  Oh wait, there's more.  Thrown into the mix was the fact that the Air Force was going to deploy my husband in September and will be gone until sometime in April.  Even more loneliness and a deeper sense isolation was yet to come.  Then more things came up... a lie was revealed that left me with a even deeper sense of  distrust, uncertainty and loneliness, along with betrayal, anger, doubt, and the occasional bout of regret.  Yes, I occasionally struggle with feelings of regret and feeling like an idiot for some of the decisions I have made.  And then there are the things that unfortunately help remind me and reopen the scars of abandonment and betrayal.
   All of this had caused the most powerful, intense episode of depression I had ever experienced.  I had gotten no chance to recover during all of this.  No chance to "get used to things" and be able to move on before something else punched me in the gut.  I had felt like I had gone unnoticed and would get no mercy.  I felt like all I could do was keep my mouth shut as much as I could, stay low as much as I could and ignore as much as I could and hope that it would all end soon.  But it didn't stop... And seemed like it would never stop... I wanted it all to stop so bad...  Why can't they realize how insensitive they've been and just STOP?  The ones that complain about all the pain in the world the most, are the ones who've been adding to it's whole little by little by causing distress to those closest to them and they don't even realize it.  Why do I keep putting my faith in people, only to have them hurt me so?  And why would they hurt others too?  (I've seen it!  I've seen the tears, how could you??) There is no empathy in this at all.  If there was, no one would be hurting from this.  It had all made me become overly sensitive.  My normally thick skin was now worn away.  
   I didn't ask for any of this.  I didn't want any of this.  I just wanted to get along with everyone I met.  I just wanted to go through life and check off all my life goals and die in peace, leaving behind a full and fulfilled life.  That's all I ever wanted.  I didn't want the drama, the complications, the tip-toeing/walking-on-egg-shells feeling, and the pain.  I stay away from all of that as much as I could and I absolutely hate it when it's just shoved into my life.
    ...But if I didn't reach intended my goals, some back-up plans always fell into place for me.  I didn't know exactly where to go to college after graduating high school, so I was encouraged to take a small step and took all my basics at a community college.  Then I graduated and moved on to a state college where I at first struggled with what I wanted to do with my life my first semester.  And then the art department was pointed and seemed to be the best fit for me out of all that was available and I graduated with a Bachelors in Graphic Art and Design.  I graduated just in time for the economy to crash and just when I thought I couldn't find a job after two years of struggling and searching, I was blessed with a sudden opportunity.  Everything seemed to be falling into place after some time.  And then came a point when I didn't think I was ever going fall in love and get married and was coming to terms with it, as disappointing as that was.  And then I met my husband.  I thought everything was going to be perfect.  However, I didn't originally think I was going to get absolute perfection, but something so very close to it seem to be there right before my eyes.  How could I not believe it?  How could I not fall in love with it?  I had it!  I finally got something I wanted!  I was so happy and relieved - everything was going to be okay again!  And then... it crumbled a little.  And it was quite painful to see and to experience.  I couldn't help but feel like I had been played a bait and switch.  But then again, why was I here if it all wasn't meant to be?  Looking back I realized that all the imperfections that the little voice in my head pointed out, were warnings about what I was getting into.  I had horribly misunderstood careless actions and decisions for mistakes and struggles.  They were there to help me to prepare and I blatantly ignored it in denial.  I had found love and he loves me back!  He's what I've been hoping for!  This is an absolute miracle!  
    The little voice is in my head again now.  It's the same voice that has guided me throughout most my life, has encouraged me, and has opened my eyes to how people really are inside.  It is the same voice that had made me ask a tough question and it is the same one that had showed me that someone had a secret secondary Facebook profile.  It is the same one that points itself out in hindsight and how I have ignored it.  And now after my emotions have calmed down I hear, "See?  I warned you.  But don't worry, everything will be okay again soon."  And looking back on my past before all of this, I see the struggles I've been through and then I see that it has always gotten better.  The little voice is right.  I know it'll get better eventually because it has to.  It must.  This has been the absolute worst, the lowest of the low.  I have never been more ready to move on so much and so badly as I do now.  I do feel better now that I've finally gotten this off my chest.  I am constantly and consistently learning and RE-learning important lessons.  I am really trying so desperately to hang in there and not give up.  Even though giving up would be the easy way out, it would also be the most selfish.  I don't want to do that, I don't want to be the cause of anyone else's pain.  That would destroy me with such guilt.  I really want my happiness back.  And not just temporarily - I want it back and to stay.  I honestly really do not care who you pray to, but if you do pray, please pray for me and for those around me.  And, yes, even pray for the ones that have hurt me now and ever.  They need it most.  Thank you so much for allowing me to express myself, my pain, my struggles, and my experiences.  Much love.