Monday, October 13, 2014

To Whom It May Concern...

To Whom It May Concern:

    I am writing to you now out of personal necessity.  It is unfortunate that I must write this public letter to you now, but I need you to know how I feel and how much you've hurt me.  I will do my best to write this as eloquently and as gracefully as I possibly can despite this, because I do believe you have suffered much and I wish to continue to respect that.

Oh, how I wish there was such a thing...
    Some advice that was suggested to me was that if I were to properly "remedy" my current issues I've got to deal with what is causing my pain to begin with.  I know why I've been so distressed, and what's frustrating is that I can't do anything about it.  I can't get away, I can't sever ties, I can't go back on decisions I've made, nor reverse time itself.  There's no "reboot," no "restart button," no "refresh."  Or at least, that's what the darkest part of my human psyche continually whispers from the back of my mind.  That part of me also wants me to regret.  It wants me to regret trusting you, for letting you into my life, for making you my friend, for thinking I could look up to you, for wanting to come to you for advise or for the problems that arise for me.  I don't want to cut off ties with you or regret, but the pain is unbearable and I can't help but be weary of you.  
    For the first time in my life, I've had to resort to taking
anti-depressants in order to cope.  They have helped tremendously.  I've almost felt like my old self again!  However, recently I've started taking a couple of other medications for completely unrelated physical problem and found out yesterday that I can't take my anti-depressants with them.  If I did, the combination would cause potential damage to my heart and give me an irregular/fast heartbeat.  I had been taking them together for almost two weeks and had experienced chest pains, but I assumed that it was either from stress or heartburn.  Now that I've had to quit taking my anti-depressants cold turkey, I'm now left in a particularly emotionally vulnerable state.
    Here comes part where I make a plea to you, not only for myself but also for a very specific part of you.  Please stop hating yourself and your past.  Please stop being bitter about who you once were.  Because who you once were, is still very much a part of you and who you've become.  Your self-hatred, bitterness, and regret towards that part of your life makes me wonder how you feel about those that still are, even me.  Do you hate me just as much as you hate yourself?  I sometimes can't help but question your sincerity, and I hate that. 
    I hate how you described your past, you left out a very important part: forgiveness.  There is always forgiveness.  You can allow yourself to forgive yourself.  As long as you continue to breath, there can be forgiveness.  You have completely misunderstood and quite possibly forgotten that.  That's okay.  We've all made mistakes and have misunderstood.  I have made mistakes and misunderstood too.  But never, EVER, apologize to anyone for who you once were.  You are not an alcoholic or a drug addict.  You are not a criminal.  Anyone who made you feel that way or continue to make you feel that way do not deserve any of the time you have on this earth, and THEY should be the ones who feel ashamed of themselves.  Please, seek professional help and/or see about taking anti-depressants if you aren't on them already.  There is no shame in it!  They do work, trust me!  If you want, we can go see the talking doctor together.  You get your hour, I go get mine, and then we go for ice cream afterwards!  I don't care if that sounds strange, if it helps - it helps!  That's a good thing, right?

C'mon!  You know you want this... ;)

    But... if my words don't ever reach you, if they mean nothing to you... please stay away from me.  I cannot put up with it anymore.  Even though these pills help, I don't want to rely on them for the rest of my life.  I want to move on, with or without you.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm nothing more than an old sack of crap.  I'm tired of crying every time I'm reminded of something you said or did.  I'm tired of my chest hurting.  I'm tired of sometimes feeling like life isn't worth living.  I'm tired of it all.  Don't get me wrong, I don't hate you.  I will never hate you.  But I hate what you're doing to yourself and what you're doing to me and maybe what you're doing to other people.  (I may not be the only one who feels this way.  Maybe I'm the only one crazy enough to say anything!)  I simply wanted you to be aware of what exactly is going on with me.  I will help you if you need it, regardless.  But as long as you're like this, I can't be around you.  I'm only doing this for my own self-preservation, my health, and my sanity.  I'm sorry it had to come to this, please understand.

                               Truly Sincerely and with Love,
                                      Christie M. Arnold      

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