Wednesday, December 16, 2015

The Things I Miss

    Well, it's been a while.  A very long while since I've last written.  But I felt a need to write another post.  Soon Christmas will come and go, and another year will end.  With a little hope in our hearts we wish for the next year to be better, or at least just as good as the previous one.  Just as this year ends, so do all other things eventually, both good and bad.  When things end, we're sometimes left missing some things.  Recently I've come to realize that I've been looking back and felt the slight pang of fond nostalgia or of sadness more often than usual.  I try to guard myself when this happens as I do not want to "set up camp" in my past and stay for an unhealthy period of time.  No, I've seen what happens to those who set up camp in their pasts and never seem to move on.  It affects not only themselves, but it effects their relationships in very negative ways.  With my personal experience around those who seem to forever dwell in their emotional campsites, I try my absolute best not to get dragged into their tents or set up my own camp.  You have no idea how much I try to prevent myself from becoming that type of person.  Because I know how much it hurts.  It hurts SO much.  I don't want anyone else to get hurt by me in that manner, especially those I care about the most.  Knowing that absolute avoidance of my past is also quite unhealthy, I keep my visits short and try to focus on the positives.  I also can't help but to miss things and people.
    So I decided to write a list of all that I miss.  I know it sounds strange, but the idea struck me as sounding like it might be therapeutic in a way.  Some of the things I miss are silly and I don't think of them often.  But some things are heartbreaking, and then there are those things that are in between.  I won't be listing everything.  It would be impossible, plus I know I'm going to forget some things.  Some things are old and some things are new.  And it's in no particular order.  So, without further ado, here is my list:

I miss the friends I had when I lived in Texas.  I still have friends in Texas, but I miss the ones I had at school, at church, and the ones I made at camp that I lost contact with.

I miss field trips.  I guess I miss the idea of traveling with a group of people who were not family and seeing cool stuff.

I miss Slurpees.  There are no 7-Elevens in Arkansas (not that I'm aware of anyway), so whenever I'm out of the state and happen upon one, I take FULL advantage.

I miss riding my bike.  I used to ride my bike A LOT and would ride with my parents to various places.

I miss bus rides.

I miss visiting planetariums.

I miss appreciating and enjoying science.  Well, I still do, but nowhere near as much as I used to. Ever since people have started making SUCH A BIG DEAL over it to the point of where it basically feels like people are worshiping and referring to the subject as if it itself were a sentient being, it almost killed it for me.  It's a subject, not a deity.  Science is not sentient nor is it able to care about you.  I also feel like people try to use it as a weapon against others in an attempt to shame or make another person feel inferior.  It's no different than someone using physical strength to make another person feel weak.  It's bullying and victimization.  Both usages of science is wrong.

I miss being able to express my creative side as often as I used to.


I miss exploring.  More specifically out in nature.

I miss Pepsi Blue.

I miss my first parakeet, Shirley.

I miss my second parakeet, Pixie (aka "Picky").

I miss hanging out with my friends as often as I used to.

I miss going on walks with my mom.

I miss going to parks and playing on playgrounds.

I miss going to various restaurants.  Grandy's, Burger Street, and that Chinese restaurant I used to just get eggrolls at when I was an extremely pick child just to name a few.

I miss some of my favorite TV shows.  I'm stoked that X-Files is coming back, even if it is for just a short while.

I miss feeling loved.

I miss being young.

I miss taking classes, sometimes.  Only the ones I really enjoyed taking though.

I miss routine.

I miss looking forward to my future.

I miss volunteering and helping out during VBS.

I miss packing a shoebox every year for OCC and seeing how much I can cram into it.


I miss game night.

I miss movie night.

I miss game & movie night - with finger foods or pizza!

I actually kinda miss being somewhat social.

I miss not feeling as lonely as I have been feeling on and off for a long time now.

I miss believing that I was going to get what was promised to me.

I miss believing in promises.

I miss love.  

I miss being able to trust certain people.

I miss being able to love without getting hurt or pushed away.

I miss not having to HAVE TO push back.

I miss feeling content.


I miss being able to read people.  To be able to understand others fairly quick.

I miss volunteering at the animal shelter, even if I was allergic to cats.

I miss feeling emotionally safe.

I miss cuddling.

I miss holding hands.

I miss being respected.

I miss believing that my feelings would be considered.

I miss believing that people knew what they wanted.


I miss having my beliefs and opinions respected.

I miss not having beliefs and opinions that I don't agree with being shoved down my throat.  You want me to respect and accept you?  Then don't do that.


I miss the days when equality actually meant equality and not some weird pseudo or faux thing disguised as "equality."

I miss believing that people mean what they say.  If you like me, prove it.  Respect me?  Prove it.  Love me?  Prove it.  Hate me?  Then walk away and carry on with yourself.  Actions speak louder than words.


I miss not having words put in my mouth.

I miss being encouraged.


I miss being comforted.

I miss being able to move on and make some progress in my life.

I miss the days when being afraid wasn't something to be hated or judged.

I miss really GOOD sci-fi movies and tv shows.

I miss really GOOD horror movies and tv shows.

I miss Korean food.

I miss being in a drama-free environment.

I miss being around those who were more tactful and aware of their timing.  Or at least attempted to care when they want to cause problems.  For example, the folks that wanna start things during the Holiday Season.  Look, people are just trying to get through this, figure out what to get for their loved ones, and try to have a good time.  Can it not WAIT until AFTER the Holidays at the very least?  It's rude, it's tacky, it's inconsiderate, and if you know better - then why are you doing it?

I miss peace.

I miss things going smoothly.

I miss the times when things felt as though they would work out.


I miss feeling secure.

I miss not being expected to read minds.

I miss feeling settled.


I miss being taken seriously.

I miss having my needs and wants in life be taken seriously.

I miss having my feelings acknowledged and understood and considered.

I miss not being compared to other people.

I miss believing that I was accepted and loved.

I miss not having someone try to change me into something else without my permission, my consent, my knowledge.

I miss being able to talk to just about anyone about my problems.


I miss being able to take my time.  To not be rushed or pushed into things too soon.

I miss feeling like I had someone to walk me through things.


I miss feeling like the people who are closest to me took things as seriously as I did.

I miss not feeling like I'm being used as a tool to one up someone else.

I miss not feeling like I'm being used to play catch-up with everyone else.

I miss not feeling like I'm being blamed because someone hasn't caught up yet.  I haven't caught up because I tried to be careful and do things right and I'm alright with that.  It's not my fault if someone else has been reckless, not having learned, and are left feeling discontent with themselves for wasting their own time with those who were also reckless.


I miss not being able to have to explain or argue the validation of my hurt feelings.

I miss expecting understanding and receiving it.

I miss not crying most days.

I miss hoping that things will get better.

I miss being able to know what to do.  



These are some of the things I'm missing these days...










Tuesday, February 17, 2015

It's Finally Time...

   
 
     As I begin writing this... I'm in tears.  My face is sticky with the tears that have already dried and it is sore.  This is from a certain emotional pain that has reoccurred and reared it's ugly head on occasion.  And then I realized that it's time to open up.  I finally feel comfortable and confident enough to speak about what has been bothering me for almost a year.  I'll just give you the long story as I do not believe cutting to the chase would effectively express where I'm coming from.  And I absolutely do NOT want to come off as tactless, biased, and an overall horrible person.  I simply just want to be understood and maybe, finally, be able to get some sort of relief out of the process... 
    While I was still dating my husband I began to meet more and more relatives the more serious our relationship became.  Just when I thought I had met everyone, here's some more family!  It was pretty funny from my perspective coming from a small family of three and who's relatives were scattered among the country and were either rarely or never seen.  But it was great too!  I had hoped to meet someone special that came from a large, close-knit family.  If I were to have kids, I wanted them to be able to have loving aunts and uncles and grandparents that were still able to be quite active with them.  My kids wouldn't get any aunts and uncles from my side and my parents may not be quite as spry when they do finally come into the picture.
    I had just about met everyone (or at least at the time I thought I did), except for his younger sister and her family.  ...And they were fixing to move to the States from Scotland.  So with my inexperience of being in "meeting the family" situations, the only other place I could look back on in order to prepare myself was from TV shows and movies.  In a lot of those fictional scenarios, the mother was the usually the one who was difficult to get approval from.  And if the man had a sister... she was usually a tough nut to crack too.  Oh gosh!  I had thankfully gotten approvals from both my future-husband's mom and step mom, but now I had to face... the sister. *Cue dramatic music here.*  Would she like me?  Would she hate me?  Would she be difficult to get along with?  Would this be the toughest challenge I ever had to face in my relationship with my love?  Would this be the end all, say all?  I was nervous.
    So finally the day came to meet "the sister," and I was still nervous.  My boyfriend-at-the-time husband told me not to worry and that everything would be fine as we drove up to his mom's house.  Admittedly, that was much easier said than done, but I went on with a semi-determined, no-turning-back attitude.  Here goes nothing!
    We entered the family-filled home and began to greet everyone.  I immediately noticed his sister sitting on the couch with her baby boy in her arms.  A grand idea instantly popped into my head, I'll take the initiative and go over to greet myself so she won't have to get up.  It will be a nice and polite gesture that can't possibly go wrong!  I went over with new-found determination and confidence, extended my hand in friendly greeting and said, "Hi, my name is Christie.  It's nice to meet you!"  ...And that's when I realized that I had unintentionally caught her in the middle of breast feeding her baby...

O_O

OH GOSH, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!
Okay, keep calm, keep your hand out...
Pretend that you either still don't notice or that it doesn't bother you...
Ignore the fact that this is one of the most awkward things you've ever done...
For the all love and good that is in existence, MAINTAIN EYE CONTACT...
Do not look, do not glance, do not stare, MAINTAIN EYE CONTACT...
Keep smiling, but don't smile too much!  
Act natural and act NORMAL!
You don't want to make things more awkward than you already have!


    Luckily, she was nice about the whole thing and it was obvious that she didn't think I was a complete weirdo.  The day went on and I got to know her a little better.  And the more I got to know her as time went on, the more I though how cool she was as a person.  Our political opinions seemed to differ, but that didn't bother me.  I have a best friend who's political opinions differ from mine and we are on really good terms with one another and have expressed our understandings about each others opinions.  In fact, my husband's sister at the time reminded me a lot of her in some ways.  There were other things I noticed about her that spoke of qualities that I like in people.  She had piercings, not just in her ears, but she had one in her nose too.  To me, that spoke of how brave she seemed to be of some of the little things that I was afraid of, like my fear of needles and pain.  She had tattoos in Arabic calligraphy that spoke of her interest in other cultures.  She been to all sorts of places around the world.  I love to travel, but some of the places she had been to are some that I'll probably never get to see.  And she liked to colored her hair, sometimes a "natural" color and sometimes not so much.  I just wish I could streak my hair some crazy color!  I know she's a stay-at-home mom, but I still thought it was cool that she could get away with it.  I, however, have a job and they may not like it so much if I came in with blue, purple, or green streaks in my hair.  And for her to have tats, unorthodox piercings, dyed hair, AND be a Christian... That was amazing to me!  
    I absolutely LOVE stereotype breakers, no matter who they were, whether it be gender-based, race-based, faith-based, etc.  I love it when people prove these idiotic, judgmental, hurtful, hate-based and ignorance-based stereotypes WRONG.  I - LOVE - IT!  And to see some Christians do it is simply inspirational.  I feel like those are the people that truly understand God's love.  It's not about how you look on the inside, it's about what's on the inside.  How you treat others and your actions overall.  I could go on and on about this, but perhaps I'll save it for another time.
    Not only did she break negative Christian stereotypes, but she broke negative stay-at-home mom stereotypes simultaneously by doing practically the same things!  I totally want to be the cool mom when I have kids too!  I don't want to be a boring and ho-hum mother that hardly encourages their kids or even discourages them.  And I also don't want to be the crazy mom that pushes her kids into things that they don't want to do or into too many things and raise the expectation bar so high that they couldn't possibly be able to reach it realistically.  His sister seemed to have found a healthy middle ground with her kids for the most part.
   She was really cool and she was really nice enough to organize and set up one of my bridal showers, offer to host a bachelorette party (which I politely declined... I really didn't want a penis cake... eww), and she filled in as a bridesmaid when my other bridesmaid broke her foot near to the last minute.  I really liked her and was actually starting to look up to her.  And I really appreciated her for all she did for me - and still do to this day.
    My husband and I got married on March 1, 2014 and afterwards things were going well in our new marriage... and then a minor problem arose.  A problem that I'm still not comfortable talking about here online and so openly.  A problem that I honestly didn't think was going to happen.  My thoughtful husband got me books, tools, and resources to try to help and it kinda did... but I was still lacking certain details.  What do I need to look out for?  What should I expect?  And there were other questions that needed to be answered.  I sought out information online, but didn't really come up with any satisfactory answers.  It came to the point where I felt like I needed to ask someone close to me for some answers and reassurance that I'll be okay.  I tried going to my mom for help and ended up with an awkward response that didn't help and a change of subject.  I thought about going to his mom, and although I knew she would be much more help than my mom was, I was still afraid it would be incredibly awkward.  Then my husband suggested that I ought to go talk to his sister.  Well, that could work... She does seem pretty open about things.  But then again I was pretty awkward when we first met... Would she be okay if I approached her with more awkwardness, especially of a personal nature of this caliber?  I drug my feet about it for the longest and continued to try to figure things out on my own.  
    Three months into our marriage and getting nothing but very little success and progress, I had enough.  I needed to get over this and needed some advice from somebody.  I decided that I was going to go speak with my sister-in-law.  Around the time that I had decided upon this and was trying to figure out how best to approach her...  That's when it happened...  She had announced on Facebook that she had completely lost faith in God and that she and her husband were now atheists.  ...Well, nevermind then... there went my chance for help...  At that point I could not trust her with anything so personal and so sensitive of a topic to me.  I worried that if I did, she would see it as nothing more than "evidence" that Christianity was to blame not believe or hear the real reasons I was having trouble, as she seemed to be in the on and off process of blaming Christianity for all her problems.  I wasn't about to risk letting her take it out on me, as I had enough of my own problems to deal with already.  I also spoke with my husband about my concerns and he agreed that I had made the right decision not to go to her.
    At first it just irritated me.  I ended up not getting any help at all.  But whatever, she's clearly got worse problems than I do that she needs to figure out for herself.  I'll just try to figure things out on my own... like I've been doing... and failing...  But the more I thought about it, the more hurt I became.  I had looked up to her.  I had wanted her help.  And I just felt so... abandoned.  Someone who I had once thought of as this super awesomely real individual wasn't who I thought they were.  As an introverted individual who has a hard time making friends and has an even harder time finding really good friends, finding someone with the potential of being another best friend is an extremely rare event for me.  Where some brides are able to have 5 or more bridesmaids for their weddings quite easily, I was barely able to come up with two for mine.  And as much as I like being the type whose interested in the things that aren't necessarily always going to be popular with everybody else because it helps me to feel unique and different from from the rest, it also sucks because it sometimes leaves me feeling lonely.  Is there anyone else out there like me?  I have always felt like very few people really understood me and respected me for who I was, and that too is a very lonely feeling.


    Not only was I experiencing married life for the first time that was still giving me the nervous jitters, had moved to a completely new location which gave me a bit of a sense of isolation, had a personal issue that had left me feeling uncertain of my future with my husband, I now had a brand new batch of negative emotions to deal with: abandonment, loneliness, and distrust.  Oh wait, there's more.  Thrown into the mix was the fact that the Air Force was going to deploy my husband in September and will be gone until sometime in April.  Even more loneliness and a deeper sense isolation was yet to come.  Then more things came up... a lie was revealed that left me with a even deeper sense of  distrust, uncertainty and loneliness, along with betrayal, anger, doubt, and the occasional bout of regret.  Yes, I occasionally struggle with feelings of regret and feeling like an idiot for some of the decisions I have made.  And then there are the things that unfortunately help remind me and reopen the scars of abandonment and betrayal.
   All of this had caused the most powerful, intense episode of depression I had ever experienced.  I had gotten no chance to recover during all of this.  No chance to "get used to things" and be able to move on before something else punched me in the gut.  I had felt like I had gone unnoticed and would get no mercy.  I felt like all I could do was keep my mouth shut as much as I could, stay low as much as I could and ignore as much as I could and hope that it would all end soon.  But it didn't stop... And seemed like it would never stop... I wanted it all to stop so bad...  Why can't they realize how insensitive they've been and just STOP?  The ones that complain about all the pain in the world the most, are the ones who've been adding to it's whole little by little by causing distress to those closest to them and they don't even realize it.  Why do I keep putting my faith in people, only to have them hurt me so?  And why would they hurt others too?  (I've seen it!  I've seen the tears, how could you??) There is no empathy in this at all.  If there was, no one would be hurting from this.  It had all made me become overly sensitive.  My normally thick skin was now worn away.  
   I didn't ask for any of this.  I didn't want any of this.  I just wanted to get along with everyone I met.  I just wanted to go through life and check off all my life goals and die in peace, leaving behind a full and fulfilled life.  That's all I ever wanted.  I didn't want the drama, the complications, the tip-toeing/walking-on-egg-shells feeling, and the pain.  I stay away from all of that as much as I could and I absolutely hate it when it's just shoved into my life.
    ...But if I didn't reach intended my goals, some back-up plans always fell into place for me.  I didn't know exactly where to go to college after graduating high school, so I was encouraged to take a small step and took all my basics at a community college.  Then I graduated and moved on to a state college where I at first struggled with what I wanted to do with my life my first semester.  And then the art department was pointed and seemed to be the best fit for me out of all that was available and I graduated with a Bachelors in Graphic Art and Design.  I graduated just in time for the economy to crash and just when I thought I couldn't find a job after two years of struggling and searching, I was blessed with a sudden opportunity.  Everything seemed to be falling into place after some time.  And then came a point when I didn't think I was ever going fall in love and get married and was coming to terms with it, as disappointing as that was.  And then I met my husband.  I thought everything was going to be perfect.  However, I didn't originally think I was going to get absolute perfection, but something so very close to it seem to be there right before my eyes.  How could I not believe it?  How could I not fall in love with it?  I had it!  I finally got something I wanted!  I was so happy and relieved - everything was going to be okay again!  And then... it crumbled a little.  And it was quite painful to see and to experience.  I couldn't help but feel like I had been played a bait and switch.  But then again, why was I here if it all wasn't meant to be?  Looking back I realized that all the imperfections that the little voice in my head pointed out, were warnings about what I was getting into.  I had horribly misunderstood careless actions and decisions for mistakes and struggles.  They were there to help me to prepare and I blatantly ignored it in denial.  I had found love and he loves me back!  He's what I've been hoping for!  This is an absolute miracle!  
    The little voice is in my head again now.  It's the same voice that has guided me throughout most my life, has encouraged me, and has opened my eyes to how people really are inside.  It is the same voice that had made me ask a tough question and it is the same one that had showed me that someone had a secret secondary Facebook profile.  It is the same one that points itself out in hindsight and how I have ignored it.  And now after my emotions have calmed down I hear, "See?  I warned you.  But don't worry, everything will be okay again soon."  And looking back on my past before all of this, I see the struggles I've been through and then I see that it has always gotten better.  The little voice is right.  I know it'll get better eventually because it has to.  It must.  This has been the absolute worst, the lowest of the low.  I have never been more ready to move on so much and so badly as I do now.  I do feel better now that I've finally gotten this off my chest.  I am constantly and consistently learning and RE-learning important lessons.  I am really trying so desperately to hang in there and not give up.  Even though giving up would be the easy way out, it would also be the most selfish.  I don't want to do that, I don't want to be the cause of anyone else's pain.  That would destroy me with such guilt.  I really want my happiness back.  And not just temporarily - I want it back and to stay.  I honestly really do not care who you pray to, but if you do pray, please pray for me and for those around me.  And, yes, even pray for the ones that have hurt me now and ever.  They need it most.  Thank you so much for allowing me to express myself, my pain, my struggles, and my experiences.  Much love.



Thursday, January 29, 2015

The Percy Qushun & Co. - An Equal Opportunity Employer

    

    
    Who the heck is Percy Qushun, you ask?  Better question to ask is what is Percy Qushun, or rather, persecution?  Ha!  Yes, I tricked you!  ...Maybe... I don't know... Perhaps I haven't tricked you at all.  But never-the-less, you're still here and hopefully still reading.  This blog is going to be a doozy.  It's not necessarily a rant, but more like feeling the need to point out something that ought to be fairly obvious, but sadly is not, and then following through with that need in the form of this blog posting.
    In all seriousness, this entire world is in great need of a revival.  Not necessarily a religious or spiritual revival (although that probably would help - "Demon be gone!" *whack*  "I'll get that demon out of you yet!" *whack*), but at the very least a moral and ethical revival.  I think we're all (including myself) are experiencing a sort of Lord-forgive-them-for-they-know-not-what-they-do phase.  We seem to be saying and doing things without thinking and without realizing how it's going to affect us down the road and how it's going to effect those around us more often than ever.  Why?  Maybe we've become too full of ourselves in a world that's "me, me, me!"  Maybe we're not as emphatic as we used to be.  Maybe we're not as thoughtful as we used to be or maybe we're think too much into things.  Whatever the reason(s) may be, it's coming to a point where something is going to give and something is going to change.  And in all likely hood, I wouldn't be surprised if things ended up very, very badly...  Well, that is, if nothing is done about it, of course!
    One of the biggest problems that we have is that of persecution.  Just as love has it's many different "languages" so does hate, and persecution is a "language" of hate.  For those of you who may not know what persecution exactly is, the Wikipedia article on the term describes it as such: 

"Persecution is the systematic mistreatment of an individual or group 
by another individual or group. The most common forms are religious persecution
ethnic persecution and political persecutionthough there is naturally some 
overlap between these terms.  The inflicting of suffering, harassmentisolationimprisonmentinternmentfear, 
or pain are all factors that may establish persecution.  Even so, not all suffering 
will necessarily establish persecution.  The suffering experienced by the victim must 
be sufficiently severe.  The threshold level of severity has been a source of much debate."


    That is a very heavily loaded description!  And towards the end of the article it goes on to talk about the lesser known forms of persecution based on genetics, sexual identity, and military service.  What I learned from this, is that "haters gonna hate" no mater who you are or what you do!  That's pretty messed up if you ask me.  However it does open the door for us to be able to understand each other better if we do experience some form of persecution.  It also gives us an opportunity to reach out, help, and raise awareness.

"Hey, that person/group over there hates you?  
Well, this other person/group over here hates me too.  So, I feel ya."  


"I've been bullied before and it's not fun.  So why would I do that to others?"

"Wow, this person/group brags about being all for equality, understanding, love, and acceptance and yet their actions and words at this moment say otherwise..."

    If these sound familiar, then you must be part of the group know as humans. Congratulations, you are part of both the greatest and the most awful species planet Earth has ever known.  You are not immune, you are not above.  You are just like me and everyone else, subject to both hate and love.

You're religious?  Someone hates you.  ....At the same time, someone loves you.
You're non-religious?  Someone hates you.  ....At the same time, someone loves you.
You're a man?  Someone hates you.  ....At the same time, someone loves you.
You're a woman?  Someone hates you.  ....At the same time, someone loves you.
You're gay?  Someone hates you.  ....At the same time, someone loves you.
You're straight?  Someone hates you.  ....At the same time, someone loves you.
You're black?  Someone hates you.  ....At the same time, someone loves you.
You're white?  Someone hates you.  ....At the same time, someone loves you.
You're American?  Someone hates you.  ....At the same time, someone loves you.
You're not from America?  Someone hates you.  ....At the same time, someone loves you.
You're a mutant?  Someone hates you.  ....At the same time, someone loves you.
You're not a mutant?  Someone hates you.  ....At the same time, someone loves you.
You're in the military?  Someone hates you.  ....At the same time, someone loves you.
You're not in the military?  Someone hates you.  ....At the same time, someone loves you.
If you are ANYTHING...
Someone hates you with every dark ounce of their being.
...But at the same time, someone loves you with all the brightness of their heart.

    If you want the hate to stop, you got to start the process... Yes, process, as it will take time.  Every process needs time in order to produce results and stopping the hate is no different.  If you want to stop the hate, then don't spread it around.  If you don't want to be persecuted, then not persecuting to begin with will help a lot.  Be there and support someone who is being hated and/or persecuted unjustly.  Stand up for someone who is being treated unfairly.  Do not make a snide comment if someone claims they are being persecuted - you're snide comment is just that, a form of persecution.  Please don't do that, you're not helping the overall situation.  And don't support someone who does it either.  That is no better than doing it yourself.  Support each other in this process, correct each other with kindness and understanding, because it will be a lengthy struggle to overcome.  Persecution and hatred are equal opportunity employers, don't let yourself get hired on...

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Live Long and Prosper

    

    
    I know it's been a long while since I've made my last blog post, and I am sorry for that.  But don't let the title fool you, this isn't a goodbye post either.  Quite far from it actually.  I just had the sudden need to vent, so I hope you bear with me.  If vent/rant posts are not for your thing, I'll completely understand if you stopped reading here and went on to something else.  You will not hurt my feelings in the least.  :)
    But instead of taking the "Oh my gosh, you wouldn't believe what so-and-so said/did!" route, I'm going to do things a bit differently.  I'm going to tell you a little bit about myself in response to what had gone on earlier today.  So, here it goes:

  • I am quite protective of my family and friends.  If I feel that they are being treated unfairly, I will react to this.
  • One of my pet peeves is when someone makes a baseless assumption about someone else and takes off running with it as if it was fact.
  • If you felt that I have misunderstood what was said, then let me know eloquently, with kind consideration and understanding.  I will apologize, explain how I read it, and add a "my bad."  Take the high road and others will follow.
  • If you do not respond to my misunderstanding in such a decent-humanly fashion, it will only reflect more upon you and who you really are in this life than it ever will upon me.  You're only making things worse for yourself.
  • If you write your response in such a way that makes you sound upset and angry and then deny that you are actually feeling that way... Who are you kidding?  I can see right through that better than a freshly cleaned pane of glass in a Windex commercial.
  • If you are the type that who's used to having controlling reigns over some individuals in your life... you won't be doing that with me.  You can't tell me what to do, you can't tell me when a conversation ends, you can't tell me what to say or not say, you can't tell me how to feel, you can't tell me to ignore the obvious, and you can't bully me into some sort of intellectual submission.  You can't scare me, you don't scare me, and you won't scare me.  
  • I believe that all innocent lives matter.  And just because I may be more protective of some more than others, does not mean that I do not feel for the rest or that they somehow don't deserve respect or protection either.  I am only one person.
  • I am human and so are you.  None of us are perfect, and neither are you.
  • There's a Vulcan saying that goes, "The needs of the many, out weigh the needs of the few or the one."  I've noticed that there are folks that believe this, which is all well and good.  However none of these folks are raising their hands to act as that "one" on the behalf of others.  Another pet peeve.
  • I've always thought that awareness can be a good start to something great.  But I learned today, that awareness is pretty much useless if no positive action follows suit.  The same goes with debates.  Actions speak louder than words.  How can you claim to be a revolutionist, a supporter of change, a decent protester, or a good humanitarian if you put no action to your words?  Go forth if you really care!  This is kinda a newly developed pet peeve of mine.
  • If I am sad, there's a reason.
  • If I am angry, there's a reason.
  • If I am upset, there's a reason.
  • It is not often that I speak up.  But when I do speak up, I want my words to be heard and to matter.  I also seek to be understood and acknowledged for why I am speaking up.  There is a reason for why I am speaking up.
For those that respect me and really know me, I thank you for being there.  You're the ones who've got my back and help me when I need it.  You have got my full appreciation and respect.  May you "Live Long and Prosper."  For everyone else, do me a favor and just...