Well, it's been a while. A very long while since I've last written. But I felt a need to write another post. Soon Christmas will come and go, and another year will end. With a little hope in our hearts we wish for the next year to be better, or at least just as good as the previous one. Just as this year ends, so do all other things eventually, both good and bad. When things end, we're sometimes left missing some things. Recently I've come to realize that I've been looking back and felt the slight pang of fond nostalgia or of sadness more often than usual. I try to guard myself when this happens as I do not want to "set up camp" in my past and stay for an unhealthy period of time. No, I've seen what happens to those who set up camp in their pasts and never seem to move on. It affects not only themselves, but it effects their relationships in very negative ways. With my personal experience around those who seem to forever dwell in their emotional campsites, I try my absolute best not to get dragged into their tents or set up my own camp. You have no idea how much I try to prevent myself from becoming that type of person. Because I know how much it hurts. It hurts SO much. I don't want anyone else to get hurt by me in that manner, especially those I care about the most. Knowing that absolute avoidance of my past is also quite unhealthy, I keep my visits short and try to focus on the positives. I also can't help but to miss things and people.
So I decided to write a list of all that I miss. I know it sounds strange, but the idea struck me as sounding like it might be therapeutic in a way. Some of the things I miss are silly and I don't think of them often. But some things are heartbreaking, and then there are those things that are in between. I won't be listing everything. It would be impossible, plus I know I'm going to forget some things. Some things are old and some things are new. And it's in no particular order. So, without further ado, here is my list:
I miss the friends I had when I lived in Texas. I still have friends in Texas, but I miss the ones I had at school, at church, and the ones I made at camp that I lost contact with.
I miss field trips. I guess I miss the idea of traveling with a group of people who were not family and seeing cool stuff.
I miss Slurpees. There are no 7-Elevens in Arkansas (not that I'm aware of anyway), so whenever I'm out of the state and happen upon one, I take FULL advantage.
I miss riding my bike. I used to ride my bike A LOT and would ride with my parents to various places.
I miss bus rides.
I miss visiting planetariums.
I miss appreciating and enjoying science. Well, I still do, but nowhere near as much as I used to. Ever since people have started making SUCH A BIG DEAL over it to the point of where it basically feels like people are worshiping and referring to the subject as if it itself were a sentient being, it almost killed it for me. It's a subject, not a deity. Science is not sentient nor is it able to care about you. I also feel like people try to use it as a weapon against others in an attempt to shame or make another person feel inferior. It's no different than someone using physical strength to make another person feel weak. It's bullying and victimization. Both usages of science is wrong.
I miss being able to express my creative side as often as I used to.
I miss exploring. More specifically out in nature.
I miss Pepsi Blue.
I miss my first parakeet, Shirley.
I miss my second parakeet, Pixie (aka "Picky").
I miss hanging out with my friends as often as I used to.
I miss going on walks with my mom.
I miss going to parks and playing on playgrounds.
I miss going to various restaurants. Grandy's, Burger Street, and that Chinese restaurant I used to just get eggrolls at when I was an extremely pick child just to name a few.
I miss some of my favorite TV shows. I'm stoked that X-Files is coming back, even if it is for just a short while.
I miss feeling loved.
I miss being young.
I miss taking classes, sometimes. Only the ones I really enjoyed taking though.
I miss routine.
I miss looking forward to my future.
I miss volunteering and helping out during VBS.
I miss packing a shoebox every year for OCC and seeing how much I can cram into it.
I miss game night.
I miss movie night.
I miss game & movie night - with finger foods or pizza!
I actually kinda miss being somewhat social.
I miss not feeling as lonely as I have been feeling on and off for a long time now.
I miss believing that I was going to get what was promised to me.
I miss believing in promises.
I miss love.
I miss being able to trust certain people.
I miss being able to love without getting hurt or pushed away.
I miss not having to HAVE TO push back.
I miss feeling content.
I miss being able to read people. To be able to understand others fairly quick.
I miss volunteering at the animal shelter, even if I was allergic to cats.
I miss feeling emotionally safe.
I miss cuddling.
I miss holding hands.
I miss being respected.
I miss believing that my feelings would be considered.
I miss believing that people knew what they wanted.
I miss having my beliefs and opinions respected.
I miss not having beliefs and opinions that I don't agree with being shoved down my throat. You want me to respect and accept you? Then don't do that.
I miss the days when equality actually meant equality and not some weird pseudo or faux thing disguised as "equality."
I miss believing that people mean what they say. If you like me, prove it. Respect me? Prove it. Love me? Prove it. Hate me? Then walk away and carry on with yourself. Actions speak louder than words.
I miss not having words put in my mouth.
I miss being encouraged.
I miss being comforted.
I miss being able to move on and make some progress in my life.
I miss the days when being afraid wasn't something to be hated or judged.
I miss really GOOD sci-fi movies and tv shows.
I miss really GOOD horror movies and tv shows.
I miss Korean food.
I miss being in a drama-free environment.
I miss being around those who were more tactful and aware of their timing. Or at least attempted to care when they want to cause problems. For example, the folks that wanna start things during the Holiday Season. Look, people are just trying to get through this, figure out what to get for their loved ones, and try to have a good time. Can it not WAIT until AFTER the Holidays at the very least? It's rude, it's tacky, it's inconsiderate, and if you know better - then why are you doing it?
I miss peace.
I miss things going smoothly.
I miss the times when things felt as though they would work out.
I miss feeling secure.
I miss not being expected to read minds.
I miss feeling settled.
I miss being taken seriously.
I miss having my needs and wants in life be taken seriously.
I miss having my feelings acknowledged and understood and considered.
I miss not being compared to other people.
I miss believing that I was accepted and loved.
I miss not having someone try to change me into something else without my permission, my consent, my knowledge.
I miss being able to talk to just about anyone about my problems.
I miss being able to take my time. To not be rushed or pushed into things too soon.
I miss feeling like I had someone to walk me through things.
I miss feeling like the people who are closest to me took things as seriously as I did.
I miss not feeling like I'm being used as a tool to one up someone else.
I miss not feeling like I'm being used to play catch-up with everyone else.
I miss not feeling like I'm being blamed because someone hasn't caught up yet. I haven't caught up because I tried to be careful and do things right and I'm alright with that. It's not my fault if someone else has been reckless, not having learned, and are left feeling discontent with themselves for wasting their own time with those who were also reckless.
I miss not being able to have to explain or argue the validation of my hurt feelings.
I miss expecting understanding and receiving it.
I miss not crying most days.
I miss hoping that things will get better.
I miss being able to know what to do.
These are some of the things I'm missing these days...